Friday, July 26, 2013

Emotional Abuse In A Marriage


While saving your marriage is important, it is equally important to escape from an abusive one. Physical abuse is no doubt the most highlighted one, but the most common form of abuse is emotional or psychological abuse. This is because it leaves no visible scars and always needs a trained eye to identify the victim.Often, victims suffer from trauma for years before they even realize that they are being abused. Because of this, the abusers usually go unnoticed and unpunished. As they face no confrontation, they have the time to hone their psychological prowess to an extent which enables them to completely destroy their victim's emotional well-being. So is it impossible to identify the signs of emotional abuse unless the victims realizes themselves? Sadly, that is the reality in most cases as victims tend to maintain the facade of a normal life.

Why It Goes Unnoticed? 

Silence on the part of victims can be because of one of the below reasons but not limited to them
  • Fear of embarrassment or loss of face
  • Complete but artificial dependency on the aggressor
  • Unwillingness to let parents know of their trauma lest they are impacted
  • False hope that things will get better 
  • Fear of getting separated from children if they initiate any action

Let me be clear that I don't intend to present only women as the sole victim. Men are just as likely to suffer. Unlike physical abuse which in most cases leave women as victims, emotional abuse is far more wide reaching.

Signs That You Are Emotionally Abused 


  • Your partner makes you feel guilty for everything under the sun. Somehow your partner thinks you are more powerful than god. Why else would they blame you for each and every thing that goes wrong? A bad day, a sleepless night, an upset stomach, irritation, mental agony, you somehow are responsible for everything. Why did you cook such spicy food.Didn't you know it causes gas? Why did we have to go for a late night movie. Because of that I was late for office. Why have your parents come? Couldn't you hold them off for some more time till this important assignment got finished? Why did you fall sick? You don't take care of your health and I have to suffer when I can't go to work.
  • You are afraid to speak up your mind. You never know how your partner might react. It might be one of the most trivial things but it leads to long drawn quarrels and accusations. You prefer to remain silent to avoid such ugly situations.
  • You hesitate to do something for your parents,siblings or friends. Your partner always creates a scene when you do something for your friends or family. Your partner treats your family members as financial burdens and expects you to get rid of them,saying the future of your children will be at stake if you go on supporting them.
  •  You avoid taking independent decisions. Because your partner gets angry for not consulting him/her. Your partner blames you for listening to other's advice and not bothering to check with them if they are ok with your decision.

  • You are held accountable for every penny you spend. You feel like you are always on a tight leash on financial matters. While your partner might splurge, you are always reminded not to misuse money, as if you are a born financial illiterate

  • You are wary to invite your friends over. You never know when your partner might go into one of his/her moods and end up insulting your friends and embarrassing you. 
  • Your partner uses emotional blackmailing tactics like storming out of the house, giving you the silent treatment or talking to your parents how you have changed a lot. Such actions force you to think if it is you who is wrong.
  •  Your partner tries to paint a negative picture of you in front of mutual friends. This is a classic scare tactic to force someone into submission
I can go on and on as each person is different and emboldened by the silence of their victims, they devise new ways to emotionally cripple them. If you have been facing a lot of criticism lately, or if you always have to reluctantly agree to something during a discussion, it is time to take a good look into your marriage. It might be that you are being emotionally abused, or it might be that your partner is just an insensitive fool. If it is the second reason, your problems will slowly start going away as you discuss more openly. However, if your partner is indeed a manipulator, you might experience more of emotional terrorism if you try to discuss what is affecting you. In such cases, you know what to do best. Remember, emotional abusers are only as strong as your hesitation. You hesitate more, they try to corner you more. Show them your tough but correct stance, they usually slink away. Because they are always cowards.

Friday, July 12, 2013

The Husband's Guide To Deal With A Difficult Mother In Law


Do you like the comic strip Hagar the Horrible? I absolutely love it, especially for the mother in law humor. Here is an example! Well, I would think almost every husband in the world can relate to Hagar. Whether it is mass hysteria or a phobia, a guy always seems to have a problem with his mother in law. Well...almost, not always. While I don't want to typecast anything, I feel that the mother in law and son in law relationship has not been explored much. What are the issues guys have with their mother in laws? To many, this question might seem a bit ridiculous because it is the women who usually and traditionally have been the opponent of the dreaded mother in law, right? Probably because guys are not supposed to be whiners! But jokes apart, many a marriages have seen rough patches because of a possessive, meddling or in plain words, a difficult mother in law.

A Big Deal?

Has the mother in law problem become a social phenomenon? Looking at the number of beleaguered guys( I admit the number of women having issues with their mother in law is far more),  it does seem so. Wait, it has to be a something big as the fear of one's mother in law has an official term- Pentheraphobia! The definition of this phobia provides an interesting insight. It says the fear of having a mother in law intruding the affairs of a marriage. Is that it? Just fear based on assumption? Well, while it seems so at the surface, the reality can be different at times.

Possessive mother in laws are real. It is this possessiveness that drives them to interfere in the married life of their children. This possessiveness stems from the desire to prove that no one can do better than them to decide what is best for their children. Believing they are doing something good, they remain unmindful of the turmoil they cause. Any protest is met with indignation and much emotional fireworks. While the children feel helpless in such situations and have no option but to give in, results can range from mild to disastrous in their married life, depending on the understanding they share with their spouse.

How It Happens?

While both (man and woman) face this problem, today's discussion is about the man. The husband is sometimes under the threat of vilification when such a situation occurs. How? The wife, under a constant barrage of emotional shell fire from her mother decides to do something which the husband might want to do in a different way. While under normal circumstances, the difference would have been smoothly ironed away by a short and sweet discussion, in this case, the discussion will no be without fireworks. The wife, already frustrated and emotionally raw with conflicting emotions, will be on a short fuse and any comment from the husband might light it up. With that, the discussion degrades to a fight and the rest is, as they say, history.

What can a husband do in such cases? Identifying a possessive mother in law will take some time. Amidst the funfair of the wedding, the sweetness of the honeymoon period and the bliss of settling down, the blatant warning signals get hidden. But not for long. While the problems will creep in slowly, identifying them takes little skill. The normally understanding wife will start arguing on every topic. The color of the walls, the design of the curtains, the size of the refrigerator, the arrangement of furniture, the pregnancy care, the naming of a baby and etc will become potential minefields to traverse. Why? Many mother in laws take it upon themselves to disagree on each and every point of their son in law, just to prove to their daughter that she is very much there and she knows what is best for her. And the worst part? The disagreement is done in a subtle way in front of the son in law. But the emotional flood gates are opened in front of the daughter. So, as a matter of fact, the husband doesn't know what hit him till the nth hour. So how can the situation be salvaged?

Mutual Understanding is Important

The couple must be practical and wise enough to accept the fact that the "in-law" effect is dangerous. They should mutually decide that the affairs of their household are no one else’s business. That doesn't mean they should disregard any well meaning advise or refuse to listen to their respective parents. What they can do is politely thank for any advice given with the promise to consider it and see if it fits them well. Even if the parent throws a fit, they will have to remain firm and after a few of such situation, everybody will get the hint.

Trust Each Other 

The biggest mistake husbands commit is to nurture any suspicion towards their wives after such a situation. Is she being remote controlled by her mother? Is her opinion really her's or that of her mother's? Am I losing my independence? Will I be a puppet my entire life? Such thinking is corrosive to the mind and promotes bitterness. While the wife too has a responsibility to prevent such situations, the husband should never let his trust waver. Do remember, your wife is under tremendous emotional pressure. She cannot discuss it with you. The best you can do is show her that you trust her completely. That will help her take the first step towards an open discussion.

Don't Fight Each and Every Point

Once you identify your mother in law as a possessive and meddling creature, don't become one yourself by getting involved in each and every discussion, trying to force your opinion. Remember, your wife is already handling a maniac. She doesn't need another one.

Have a Clear Discussion With your Mother in Law

A clear discussion with a meddling person is what chicken soup is to cold. Explain in clear but polite terms what problems you have been facing, how your independence as a couple is under pressure due to her actions. Any mother, unless she is egoistic and evil, will see through her mistakes and work on rectifying them.

Never lose your Temper or Misbehave

Last, but not the least, never misbehave in a fit of anger. Your wife will never appreciate it and she might start leaning on her mother more and more. Marriage is then as good as over.

Any problem faced by one half of a couple can be solved only when both work together to help each other. The coin is made by both the head and the tail. It takes a bird the coordination of its whole body to be able to fly, not just the wings. A flower is not a flower just by its scent. And life is not the same if you live together but are emotionally miles apart. The only mantra is - whatever the hurdle, work together.

Monday, July 8, 2013

How To Take The Toxic Fights Out Of Your Relationship


Couples fight. And they make up. When two people are living together, disagreements are sometimes normal. But what can and should be avoided are fights which make the relationship toxic. There are fights which when end leave the couple feeling silly and after a big round of laughs, all is forgiven and forgotten. But then there are fights which leave both the partners emotionally drained, driving a wedge between them. Such fights unfortunately tend to have a cascading effect and end up doing more harm than we can imagine. Once toxic words weaken a relationship, it is very hard to cement it back again.

How can we avoid such fights?  It is not that you can control a fight or its outcome. Because there are a lot of variables involved. But what you can do is have certain do's and don't which can help you avoid   getting into a fight which is truly nasty and toxic.

Be Patient

I know it's a cliche. But a patient person can easily avert a potentially disastrous argument. When an agitated person  sees someone calm and composed even after their rants, their agitation cools down and the tension de-escalates to a considerable extent.Say that you love them and  mo matter what they said jut now, you didn't mind anything at all because you understand they are angry about something and it is important to vent out any pent up emotions. Now that they have done that, you are willing to talk and sort things out as you want to help them, not get into a fight. You want to understand what made them angry and you are more than willing to work together so that in future, you can avoid the same situation as a couple.

Do Not Give The Silent Treatment

Many people think the if they can sense a fight brewing, they should clam up and after the other person is tired of a one sided fight, they will stop of their own accord and everything will be back to normal when they cool down. This is a misconception of the worst kind. An angry person almost always takes silence as admission of guilt. Their frustration multiplies and goads them into saying things they would normally won't. Yes it is true that once they cool down, they might apologize. But what about you? Would you forget the hateful things they said in the heat of the moment ?  Just because you didn't open your mouth to gently show them what they are saying is wrong, you might end up hearing a lot of unpleasant things. Would you be able to let go or would you carry a grudge till the next fight?

Don't Be Too Quick To Judge

Remember, a fight is not a situation when someone is in their best behavior.Yes, they might behave in a  different way , but now is not the time to be a judge of characters. This will only worsen things. Many people will disagree with me. But I ask them, how are you like when you are angry? Are you rational, normal self? Of course not. Imagine what if everyone starts judging you after a fight. You would feel that is unfair. Yes, people momentarily lose control.But as a spouse, your duty is to remind them of their actual self and show them that what they did was wrong. But you are ready to forgive them as this is not their nature. Let me be clear at this point that this doesn't include instances of physical abuse or constant mental harassment.

Don't Assume Anything

Clarify. If you hear "I hate you", do not assume your relationship is nearing its end.
"You have changed" doesn't necessarily mean you have lost your appeal and no longer interest your spouse.
"There is no use talking to you" doesn't mean your spouse is saying you are unable to understand him/her.

Talk. Keep the lines of communication open. Ask them what they meant by it after they cool down. This is for your own good. Who wants to carry hurt feelings in their heart based on assumptions. It sounds stupid, doesn't it?

Don't Be Sarcastic

There is absolutely no need to be sarcastic to prove a point when it can be done otherwise. It will feel offensive in the midst of a fight and things may be escalated much more.

Don't Suffer From The Last Word Syndrome

Many people keep arguing just to have the last say in an argument. This is extremely stupid and may lead to a completely new fight. You have to understand that having the last world just satisfies your ego. The other person might be completely frustrated. Remember, it's your husband or wife you are fighting with. If you feel you have to win the fight and argument, then you both lose.

Listen

Yes , you both are angry. But do not forget to listen what your spouse is saying. Do not drown his/her voice by shouting or reacting angrily. Listen as much as you talk. You do want a solution, don't you? Or you are too competitive and foolish?

Do Not Play The Blame Game

Don't be quick to blame your spouse. Don't start highlighting mistakes and failures to gain the upper hand. Remember, if you think your spouse has failed in something, it is not their failure alone, it is the failure of your marriage. Blaming someone during a fight will definitely offend them and as a defensive gesture, they might resort to blaming to. In such a situation, there is very less chance to salvage the situation and end the fight amicably

Remember, in every fight, there is one person who initiates it. I am not saying that person is wrong. Everyone of us , at some point of time, have been that person who starts the fight.  The important thing is to stop the fight from being a negative turning point in your relationship. And yes, have a sense of humor. It has helped a lot of marriages survive. How? Well..I will save that for another day!

Sunday, July 7, 2013

The Sanctity Of Marriage



The running joke about a marriage is that how can you spend your whole life with one woman or man when you can't think of eating the same food for the rest of your life? While this line is usually used as a repartee, I can't help thinking how marriage has lost its meaning nowadays. Sometimes, I am tempted to question, what about your parents, country or faith. Do you also get tired of them as well after a time? How can someone be a lifelong football fan but not a fan of the same woman he married? Why not the same man or woman for the whole life when you have the same favorite movie or band or singer the whole life?

While each marriage is different with its own unique imprint, the basic idea is same -  the union of two separate individuals who trust each other so much that they agree to spend the rest of their lives together. But why do some marriages fall apart while others are as strong as ever?

In many ways, the growth of a marriage is like the growth of a tree. You get married, its like planting the seed. You start experiencing your married life, it is like the roots tentatively spreading out and the leaves forming, both to nourish the same plant. The marriage also needs its roots and leaves,else it is going to shrivel out and die. You hit a rough patch in your marriage. It is like the root encountering a boulder. What does the root do ? It circumvents the boulder finding an alternate route . The clouds won't block the sun forever. For a plant to thrive, the soil must be rich. Your mind is like the soil. It should be open, understanding and faithful. Most importantly, it should nurture and hold on to the relationship, like the earth does. If your mind is like a desert, a relationship cannot flourish. Even if a relationship is on the cards, it will be dry and thorny like a cactus.

Animals like gibbons,swans ,turtle doves and albatrosses mate for life. While the albatross is known for flying great distances, it will always return to the same partner for mating. Beavers are one of the best parents as they stay together for kids and both the male and female take active parts in the upbringing of their offsprings. No, I am not trying to sound pessimistic about our race. Nor I am trying to be a moral policeman. Because for every failed marriage, there is also an amazing story of a great marriage. There are many couples who inspire us with their lives. Like Gordon and Norma Yeager. Or John and Ann Bater .

This proves that inherently we are not evil. Then why marriage is like a forbidden thing to some people? Is it because they lack the notion of faithfulness? Surprisingly, when I asked many people off the record, they admitted that it is the temptation to have as many partners as possible, without any strings attached. They want to have the fun and frolic but leave the responsibilities to others.  Basically, such people expect that every relationship should be different, vigorous and energetic and they feel the only way is to not get tied to one but have multiple relationships. They believe in quantity rather than quality. This temptation then manifests into various sub-reasons. Like
  • The phobia that marriage will cause you to lose your independence
  • The phobia of not able to accept responsibilities
  • The phobia of children
  • The phobia of sharing one's life with someone else
I believe this is a mental illness. Sure we all have our share of girlfriends, heartbreaks, unsuccessful relationships. But that doesn't mean marriage is doomed to fail. Now such people who do not believe in marriage, do get married at some point due to parental or social pressure. The results are not at all good. They live their married life as a prison sentence and do away with it at the slightest pretext. This is what is destroying the beautiful institution of marriage. This mental illness stops people from believing in the fact that it just takes two people to make a relationship come alive. You can have all the fun and adventures and it will be all the more special with that special person.

Some people say marriage is a mere social formality. They don't need a piece of paper to live with someone and have a beautiful relationship. But don't the same people insist for a formal letter of employment fro their employer, salary slips, bill of purchase etc? I find this reason highly amusing and hypocritical. 

Getting married, getting divorced and remarrying is a trend followed by many celebrities. While its their personal life, the fact that they are public figures followed by millions should impart a sense of responsibility in them. If they advertise and endorse a wild lifestyle, the starstruck followers are sure to get influenced.  

Ultimately, people should realize that marriage is not a contract, it is a recognition that you love and respect the other person and willing to show your feelings to the world. Marriage is a significant life event, a promise taken by a couple to go through the ups and downs of life together. Have we become so debauched that the promises we make are just words? 

Friday, July 5, 2013

Top 7 Reasons Women Fight With Their Husbands!

No! I do not claim to have decoded the mind of a woman. But as a veteran, I know a thing or two about fights!  And while it is fun to talk about it , it is more heartening to know how couples make up to each other after a fight! But that will be another topic for another day.

So, from deep recesses of my brain, I present you these words of worldly wisdom. Wives may tell me how right I am, but husbands, beware! Take a lesson from the below examples! Treat them orderrd as ranging from silly to serious.

7. The Food Fight

These fights usually occur when the lady is tired after a hard day's work but still manages to rustle up something for dinner. And instead of being grateful, the ignorant caveman complains that the food is not tasty! Welcome to the world of sleeping on the couch. Jokes apart, if we all appreciate the work of over wives, and realize that her life is none the easier, we will be grateful for all the pain she takes to manage the household. Yes, she is not doing you a favor by making lunch or dinner, but neither you are doing her a favor in any way. At least you didn't get hauled off to a restaurant!

6. The TV Fight

Another culprit, especially during football season. With husbands glued to the television set, a huge backlog of household chores pile up. To make matters worse, if a couple of buddies wind up at someone's house and spend the time howling their heart out like a wolf pack, it is enough to send the blood pressure of any wife soaring sky high! The poor husband can't expect anything less that an epic showdown after the friends silently sprint away when someone notices the lady of the house changing colors of her face from red to purple!

5. The Grudge Fight

This ,at best, can be describes as childish. Memories of a previous fight, where the might lady of the house had to keep her mouth shut because she was at the wrong end of an argument, lie dormant and at an opportune moment, surprise the husband by cornering and flooring him. All the while, the poor husband doesn't have a clue about what's going on as unlike women, we are blessed( or cursed?) by a selective memory.

4. The One-Upmanship Fight

This fight is inspired by overzealous relatives. In the quest to remain above all others, such characters do not spare anyone and try to inject this negative competitiveness into all the meet. Women are specially vulnerable as they can't tolerate such nonsense and due to a fault of his relative, a husband might find himself in the receiving end. Sometimes such fights turn bitter as they wife concentrates all her frustrations and fury at her spouse. Needless to say, men too fight with their wives for this very reason- an annoying relative who seems to take pleasure in every hurdle he places in front of a relationship.

3. The Pregnancy Fight

Not to be taken in the wrong sense, such fights are common during pregnancy as a woman undergoes a lot of physical , emotional and hormonal changes. Anybody carrying a heavy weight in the front with pain in the back will be irritated at the slightest provocation. Husbands , at this time, should treat their wives as a little child. They would then never feel offended by any tantrums or fights.

2. The Selfish Fight

Such fights occur when the woman is a selfish creature. Thinking only about her ego, her comfort and her security, such a woman leaves no stone upturned in her quest to gain maximum from a relationship. If the man is lucky enough, he escapes with a divorce. A few unlucky ones are doomed for life. There is no escape from such fights as anything that might seem like a change from the ordinary which might threaten her comfortable coccon goads such a woman to fight viciously with her husband.

1. The Mother-In Law Fight

If a woman feels too controlled by her mother in law, the effect might be on husbands. Frequent fights and mood swings characterize this type of fights. This can be the fault of the mom in law, or the woman who can't seem to things anything good about the mother of her husband.

Apart from the above, there is one more type of universal fight, which I call the "Incompatibility Fight". Nothing seems right and everything is a potential gunpowder keg in this fight.

While the above is not a comprehensive list, I actually attempted to show that fights between couples happen for reasons ranging from the silliest to the most grave.Also, the factor of outside influence cannot be ignored. Couples will fight. And they will make up( in most of the cases). But there are some fights which prove that the individual is inherently wrong, egoistic and evil. Trying to salvage a relationship with such a person is a waste of time and energy.

But then again, there are some fights which bring couples closer. Even though you fight, you want yourself to lose. Because you know that no matter what, you won't go to bed angry. And you know that you will wake up happy because both of you have put your fight behind and your life in the frontseat.