The Husband's Guide To Deal With A Difficult Mother In Law

Do you like the comic strip Hagar the Horrible? I absolutely love it, especially for the mother in law humor. Here is an example! Well, I would think almost every husband in the world can relate to Hagar. Whether it is mass hysteria or a phobia, a guy always seems to have a problem with his mother in law. Well...almost, not always. While I don't want to typecast anything, I feel that the mother in law and son in law relationship has not been explored much. What are the issues guys have with their mother in laws? To many, this question might seem a bit ridiculous because it is the women who usually and traditionally have been the opponent of the dreaded mother in law, right? Probably because guys are not supposed to be whiners! But jokes apart, many a marriages have seen rough patches because of a possessive, meddling or in plain words, a difficult mother in law.

A Big Deal?

Has the mother in law problem become a social phenomenon? Looking at the number of beleaguered guys( I admit the number of women having issues with their mother in law is far more),  it does seem so. Wait, it has to be a something big as the fear of one's mother in law has an official term- Pentheraphobia! The definition of this phobia provides an interesting insight. It says the fear of having a mother in law intruding the affairs of a marriage. Is that it? Just fear based on assumption? Well, while it seems so at the surface, the reality can be different at times.

Possessive mother in laws are real. It is this possessiveness that drives them to interfere in the married life of their children. This possessiveness stems from the desire to prove that no one can do better than them to decide what is best for their children. Believing they are doing something good, they remain unmindful of the turmoil they cause. Any protest is met with indignation and much emotional fireworks. While the children feel helpless in such situations and have no option but to give in, results can range from mild to disastrous in their married life, depending on the understanding they share with their spouse.

How It Happens?

While both (man and woman) face this problem, today's discussion is about the man. The husband is sometimes under the threat of vilification when such a situation occurs. How? The wife, under a constant barrage of emotional shell fire from her mother decides to do something which the husband might want to do in a different way. While under normal circumstances, the difference would have been smoothly ironed away by a short and sweet discussion, in this case, the discussion will no be without fireworks. The wife, already frustrated and emotionally raw with conflicting emotions, will be on a short fuse and any comment from the husband might light it up. With that, the discussion degrades to a fight and the rest is, as they say, history.

What can a husband do in such cases? Identifying a possessive mother in law will take some time. Amidst the funfair of the wedding, the sweetness of the honeymoon period and the bliss of settling down, the blatant warning signals get hidden. But not for long. While the problems will creep in slowly, identifying them takes little skill. The normally understanding wife will start arguing on every topic. The color of the walls, the design of the curtains, the size of the refrigerator, the arrangement of furniture, the pregnancy care, the naming of a baby and etc will become potential minefields to traverse. Why? Many mother in laws take it upon themselves to disagree on each and every point of their son in law, just to prove to their daughter that she is very much there and she knows what is best for her. And the worst part? The disagreement is done in a subtle way in front of the son in law. But the emotional flood gates are opened in front of the daughter. So, as a matter of fact, the husband doesn't know what hit him till the nth hour. So how can the situation be salvaged?

Mutual Understanding is Important

The couple must be practical and wise enough to accept the fact that the "in-law" effect is dangerous. They should mutually decide that the affairs of their household are no one else’s business. That doesn't mean they should disregard any well meaning advise or refuse to listen to their respective parents. What they can do is politely thank for any advice given with the promise to consider it and see if it fits them well. Even if the parent throws a fit, they will have to remain firm and after a few of such situation, everybody will get the hint.

Trust Each Other 

The biggest mistake husbands commit is to nurture any suspicion towards their wives after such a situation. Is she being remote controlled by her mother? Is her opinion really her's or that of her mother's? Am I losing my independence? Will I be a puppet my entire life? Such thinking is corrosive to the mind and promotes bitterness. While the wife too has a responsibility to prevent such situations, the husband should never let his trust waver. Do remember, your wife is under tremendous emotional pressure. She cannot discuss it with you. The best you can do is show her that you trust her completely. That will help her take the first step towards an open discussion.

Don't Fight Each and Every Point

Once you identify your mother in law as a possessive and meddling creature, don't become one yourself by getting involved in each and every discussion, trying to force your opinion. Remember, your wife is already handling a maniac. She doesn't need another one.

Have a Clear Discussion With your Mother in Law

A clear discussion with a meddling person is what chicken soup is to cold. Explain in clear but polite terms what problems you have been facing, how your independence as a couple is under pressure due to her actions. Any mother, unless she is egoistic and evil, will see through her mistakes and work on rectifying them.

Never lose your Temper or Misbehave

Last, but not the least, never misbehave in a fit of anger. Your wife will never appreciate it and she might start leaning on her mother more and more. Marriage is then as good as over.

Any problem faced by one half of a couple can be solved only when both work together to help each other. The coin is made by both the head and the tail. It takes a bird the coordination of its whole body to be able to fly, not just the wings. A flower is not a flower just by its scent. And life is not the same if you live together but are emotionally miles apart. The only mantra is - whatever the hurdle, work together.